And why it’s so hard, and so necessary.
I’ve been recapping each of these first few days of school with Miss Cathy. Sometimes it’s a quick 10 minute conversation, and sometimes we’re after school together for a good hour and a half bouncing ideas back and forth, working through tricky situations, and brainstorming.
“I noticed I’m saying ‘good job’ a lot, and I’m catching myself and thinking ‘why am I even saying this?’…”
Miss Cathy said this to me one afternoon this week and it sparked a pretty profound conversation. She went on to tell me that she kept catching herself saying “good job” for the most menial things:
- Someone threw their used tissue in the trash
- Another put their backpack exactly where it was supposed to go
- An online math assignment was completed
These all got a sincere “Good job!” from Miss Cathy. But she was beginning to realize something. A few things actually:
- “I’m getting tired of hearing myself automatically say this” she jokingly said
- Saying “good job” after a task, big or small, strips the learner of a chance to feel their own sense of accomplishment
- Are we modeling to these young people that they should complete tasks because they’ll be getting external praise?
- Sometimes doing something isn’t “good job” it just is. Ie- a 5 year old putting their backpack in the correct cubby, that just is
- As a Guide, saying “good job” starts to lose it’s meaning and value- for the Guide and for the learner
- How does giving this kind of praise, almost constantly, to a child impact them as a teenager or an adult?
It became really clear to Miss Cathy that she should say less in situations where she might praise. That she should give each learner a chance to feel their own feelings about their own work and tasks. That she should guide the learners to call out each other for good work and to help them learn how to be more specific than a generic “good job”.
It’s hard to change the way you’ve always done things
I wrote about this in my first blog post, how change, especially as an adult, can be really hard. One of the great things about the Acton Academy model and the Hero’s Journey, is that when presented with a challenge, we stand up and face it, even when we’re not exactly sure of the outcome. Miss Cathy and I chatted about how saying “good job” gets engrained in us from the time we’re children, and how if you’re not conscious of it, it tends to continue into motherhood and as professionals working with children (pre-having any Acton Academy knowledge).
And we are finished with the old way of doing things. Finished with giving praise for almost no reason, and finished with giving the learners an external and false source of pride. And to be honest there are WAY better things to say. We have all known people in our lives, people from movies or reality TV shows, who have clearly been praised for every single thing they’ve ever done, and their lives as adults go one of a few ways:
- They are in an eternal search for external validation, and never actually find it
- There’s a sense of entitlement, as they believe everything they do is amazing and praise-worthy
- They lose their own internal compass and sense of self while they spin in circles and stand on their head making everyone else around them happy and comfortable
- Something else that ends up being not so great
Enter: The “Don’t Say ‘Good Job’ Challenge”
Once Miss Cathy had this realization, she was ready for change, immediately. She chatted about this idea with her Spark learners and told them that she was taking on a personal challenge, that she would not say “good job” (and even began referring to the phrase as “GJ”). The learners were on board! They were excited to “catch” Miss Cathy in the act. On day 1 of the challenge, the learners counted 17 times that Miss Cathy said “good job”, but by the end of the week, she was down to 3. Miss Cathy noticed that this challenge really helped her to be present and much more intentional about the words she was saying to the learners (as well as to the rest of the people in her life).
So, what do we say instead?
- Sometimes nothing. Not everything needs to be noticed and talked about
- “I see you’re working really hard on those tricky math problems, I’d call that perseverance”
- “Now that this room is so organized, we can all find our things really easily”
- “You’re leading the group in a discussion for the first time, I’d call that bravery”
- Rather than deeming an action, task, or a job “good” or “bad”, we instead call out the work or dedication, or highlight the character trait involved
It definitely takes practice and a conscious effort, but, we’re up for the challenge! In the spirit of the Acton Academy model, Guides aim to make themselves the least important figure in the room. By reducing the amount of praise coming from a Guide, learners will direct their focus inward, or when necessary, lean on their peers for support, inspiration, and feedback.